How Much More

If you know me at all, you know that probably my greatest fear is the dentist. I don’t think I was always that way, but ever since my mom took me to my first orthodontist appointment and I screamed my head off for the whole office to hear (and see), that fear has persisted. Naturally, as I was nearing the end of my teenage years, a new fear entered my mind a few years ago: wisdom tooth surgery. Just the mere thought of being under anesthesia (something I had never done before), and having four teeth cut and/or pulled out of my head was enough to make me sick to my stomach. My parents and I always talked about me having it done this summer - the summer before my Junior year of college - because of how busy every other summer would be for me after this. We had a consultation back in October and I told my parents that I would schedule it when I was ready. Well, I was never quite going to be “ready”. I called the oral surgeon in June and it turned out they were booked full until September. Tragic. So, I casually said “well, if anything opens up before then, give me a call”. I hung up the phone and went about my life. Until one morning about a month later, I got a call from the surgeon’s office. And truth be told, I did not answer it. They can’t tell me they have a cancellation if I don’t pick up the phone, right? Wrong. They left a voicemail. And then they texted me. There was no escaping this. As it would turn out, they had an opening for two days later at 10:45 in the morning. I don’t know what came over me, but I took the appointment. The night before, I maybe got two hours of sleep. I was tossing and turning all night and felt sick to my stomach. I cried the whole day prior and had made up my mind that I was going to call it off. I just could not go through with it. But, the morning came around, and with a little encouragement from my parents, I actually agreed to get in the car and let my dad take me there. The wait for my name to be called seemed endless. Until it didn’t. Before I knew it, I was talking to the nurse about how I wanted to go on vacation to Colorado, and then I was out like a light. The next thing I remember was being helped into the car and heading home. Wow, I had actually done it. I had heard many horror stories about wisdom tooth removals gone wrong. About people’s faces swelling up ginormously, the numbing never wearing off, and don’t even get me started on the dry socket. I had no clue how I was going to heal. Well, let’s just say, the Lord really came through. Somehow, my experience was light and easy. No, it wasn’t fun to live off of vanilla yogurt and soup for a week, but other than that, my pain was minimal, my swelling was barely noticable, and I had the best friends and family supporting me through it all. It has now been two weeks since my surgery and, save the super crunchy chips and tacos, I am basically back to normal. This was something I truly planned on putting off for my whole life. Something I dreaded for a decade. And God saw me through it.

So, now you know I struggle with going to the dentist. You know what else I struggle with? Being content. That has been the longest, most persisting struggle of my entire life. It’s like Paul’s thorn in his side that he writes about in his epistles. I can never seem to rid myself of it. Until this summer. When I take the time to look back at how carefully, purposefully, and lovingly the Lord brought me through my surgery, I can’t help but trust His care. The timing was perfect. Two free weeks where I could do nothing but heal. The call came only two days in advance so I wouldn’t waste my whole summer worrying about it. The best friends and family members rallied around me and prayed for me. The surgeon and nurses were quick and skilled with their task. The healing was easy and light. The pain was minimal, and the gratitude abounded. God took such great care of me. He went to great lengths to make this the easiest process for me. He knew it was one of my greatest fears, and He stood by me every step of the way. If I can trust that He takes such great care of four little wisdom teeth, how much more will He take care of my even bigger needs. Notice I didn’t put a question mark at the end of my previous sentence - because there is no doubt about it. If God provided for me in such abounding detail and love for a little surgery, I can only imagine how He is taking the time and careful consideration into providing me with a future. A husband. A job. Lifelong friends. All the things that have contributed to me not feeling content in my life, are all the very things under His outstretched wing. As I sat in bed tonight, I was able to say to God, for the first time in a really long time, that I was satisfied with His care. That I was content with His rule of my life. That I am okay with not being married. I am okay with being single. I am okay with not knowing what every day of my future holds because I know the One who holds it all.

I want to leave you with a passage from one of the greatest little books of all time. This passage came to my mind as I was talking with God tonight:

“…the simple Christian, the humble person, the Shepherd’s sheep, can stand up proudly and boast. ‘The Lord is my shepherd - I shall not be in want’. I am completely satisfied with His management of my life. Why? Because He is the sheepman to whom no trouble is too great as He cares for His flock. He is the rancher who is outstanding because of His fondness for sheep - Who loves them for their own sake as well as His personal pleasure in them. He will, if necessary, be on the job twenty-four hours a day to see that they are properly provided for in every detail. Above all, He is very jealous of his name and high repuation as ‘The Good Shepherd’. He is the owner who delights in His flock. For Him there is no greater reward, no deeper satisfaction, than that of seeing His sheep contented, well fed, safe, and flourishing under His care. This is indeed His very ‘life’. He gives all He has to it. He literally lays down His life for those who are His.”

~ W. Phillip Keller, A Shepherd Looks at Psalm 23